Some pills are harder to swallow than others. But the metaphorical pill Ellie Irwin is trying to force down might be the toughest one she’s encountered yet. Trying her hardest not to choke, this budding singer/songwriter imbues her struggle into the deeply devastating ballad that is “Pill That Won’t Go Down.”
Stream: “Pill That Won’t Go Down” – Ellie Irwin
That’s why I make the art that I do and that’s the point: To write so that other people can relate. It’s almost like a translator; I can put the feeling to words so that other people don’t necessarily have to and can hear it and feel it.
I take my vitamins every morning.
With a sharpened muscle memory, I press firmly down on the lid and twist thrice to open the bottle, shaking it gently whilst listening to the pills clatter against one another until the chosen one (and maybe an extra straggler or two) tumble into my hand. I don’t take this cylindrical harbinger of nutrients right away, though — these pills are best paired with a glass of water and a full stomach of food, lest one gets a stomach ache.
The pill that singer/songwriter Ellie Irwin is taking is not one that should be worked into an everyday routine, that’s for sure. The pill in question has guaranteed side effects, AKA: a severe case of heartburn — or perhaps more appropriately, heartache. But Irwin knows this, having read the label several times over before consumption. But even if she was briefed on what the aftermath would be, the effects of said pill still hit her system hard.
I fit the blueprint
It made no difference
I couldn’t be what you needed
even if I tried
I know your bedroom
My family knows you
Irwin independently released her track, “Pill That Won’t Go Down” on April 12. The song — if you can believe it — is not actually about a pill, but rather, what the pill represents. And this pill is the signifier of the cold, hard truth, baby!
Be warned: If there’s one thing to know about the truth, it’s that it’s going to hurt. And boy, does Irwin know it.
Originally written as an emotionally-charged-diary-entry-turned-30-minute-voice-memo, Irwin calls the track her most raw and honest work yet. You can feel the waves of embittered melancholy emanating from each strum of her glowy guitar and pedal steel arrangement. Contemplating both love and the eventual loss of it, Irwin opens up her heart to a world of hurt within this four-and-a-half minute track.
Let it be known that there is no closure or catharsis to be found in “Pill That Won’t Go Down” — no ‘buts’ or ‘maybes’ or ‘silver linings’; only a quiet longing that must be quelled down to resignation.
I’d pull the curtain,
you’re certain,
you turn off the lights
I try to swallow now
You don’t want me around
A pill that won’t go down
You found a lover
I’m sure I’d like her
The song might indeed be a profession of love of sorts, but there are no saccharine lines of prose or grandiose flourishes, only a somber acknowledgement of the newfound distance between her and this loved one. No matter how meaningful this love once was, it no longer matters now. Any further efforts at getting through to this person are futile; the signal has been lost and all pleas have no one standing at the receiving end.
Irwin adroitly captures the feeling of losing something that once felt so perfect, so right.
The letdown is perhaps comparable to winning the lottery and then finding out that your ticket was merely a product of duplicity.
“The reason this song is so special to me is because the emotions are clearly so raw and nothing about it is calculated or strategic on purpose,” she shares. Where Irwin had become accustomed to writing songs on assignment for her studies at Berklee College of Music, this composition was bolstered by emotions that were so overwhelming that she had to get them out of her mind, onto paper and into song.
I’m feeling sick to think
I’m not the body you’ll know
And I can’t control you
You’ll love who you’re going to
But I can’t seem to lose,
I refuse, to rid you from my bones
As she intermingles grief with prevailing feelings of adoration and fondness for this individual, Irwin finds that she cannot just flip a switch and just stop loving this person on command, “But I can’t seem to lose, I refuse, to rid you from my bones,” she admits.
The indelible mark that this person left on Irwin and the subsequent loss of that relationship have effectively shaken the songwriter to her core. This was someone whose existence was once imprinted upon every facet of her life and now they are gone; up in smoke. This is a loss that is deeply felt. Their essence, still intertwined with her own, is one she knows that she has to eventually forget. And even though the task at hand is a painful one, she gracefully acquiesces to the circumstances, singing, “I fit the blueprint / It made no difference / I couldn’t be what you needed even if I tried.”
Oftentimes, the feeling of love lasts far longer than its official end. But with time, this love will fade. The hole in her heart will heal over. This so-called ‘pill’ might melt away on her tongue, but the nutrients it carries will remain in her bloodstream for some time. Does love ever truly leave us?
I try to swallow now
But you’re living in my mouth
A pill that won’t go down
I try to swallow now
You’re moving on without
A pill that won’t go down
A pill that won’t go down
Looking back at it, it’s not that groundbreaking of emotions that I wouldn’t vocalize now, but at the time writing it, I couldn’t believe I had said that. It was just my first experience with being really honest in my writing.
Masterfully illustrating the nuance of loss, this rising singer/songwriter’s “Pill That Won’t Go Down” is an eloquent, yet bittersweet admission of defeat.
This recognition of loss and relinquishment of control comes marked by Irwin waving a white flag, helpless against the fate that was thrust upon her by another. Permitting herself to languish over ‘what-could-have-beens,’ Irwin creates a safe haven where she can just wallow for a bit — and then pick herself back up again.
Continue reading below to learn more about how Ellie Irwin maintains peace of mind whilst wearing many hats in her artist project and the experience of writing of “Pill That Won’t Go Down.”
— —
:: stream/purchase Pill That Won’t Go Down here ::
:: connect with Ellie Irwin here ::
Stream: “Pill That Won’t Go Down” – Ellie Irwin
A CONVERSATION WITH ELLIE IRWIN
Atwood Magazine: How did you get your start in music?
Ellie Irwin: I’m originally from Pennsylvania. Not the middle of nowhere, but two hours from Pittsburgh, four from Philly in the middle of nowhere. The music scene there was pretty non-existent. I got a lot of my start from my dad — he’s not a musician, but he loves going to concerts. He just loves music and so I grew up singing with him and singing things back to him. That was a lot of James Taylor, Queen, Carole King; very ‘dad’ music. That has influenced me a lot there.
I started performing in my hometown’s musical theater department. Just how it goes with community theatre, doing Oliver and The Music Man and stuff like that. Then I started writing my own songs. I think my first song was about a boy in seventh grade. Writing was always about my own life, it was always therapy-esque. It was just therapeutic for me to be writing. Then I ended up at Berklee for songwriting, and now I’m here!
I love that there's such a common thread when it comes to singer/songwriters doing musical theater before music. I think it lends itself to writing catchy hooks, because musical theater is so catchy.
Ellie Irwin: There is such a direct pipeline. It’s where you learn to emote. There’s such a thin line from where I was singing other people’s stories to telling my own. It’s something so cool to think about.
It gets you acquainted with being on stage. It's really cool to see that pipeline. It's such a pattern.
Ellie Irwin: It literally is! And everyone always approaches it the same way. They’re always like, “I was a theater kid… don’t tell anyone.” No one at Berklee knows that I was one. Just recently in spaces like this I started talking about where I started, and my friends were like, “Wait, you were a theatre kid? No way. ” Yes, that’s been me since I was 8. I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.
It's your secret. Tell me a little bit about your experience as an independent artist. I know you do basically all your press, your social media and you probably work on your website as well. How has it been wearing all of these different hats, in addition to being an artist and also a student?
Ellie Irwin: It’s definitely a balancing act; I always feel like I’m dropping something. But then every time I drop something, I feel like I pick two things back up. I feel like I’m constantly running; it’s a constant treadmill. This wall right here is my brain most of the time: those are all my dates, and all of my single and album titles and production deadlines — everything needs to be on paper and on the wall. I did my own website and all of that. I get very deep into things, I feel like I get obsessed with the cohesion of everything. The fact that I am wearing all of the hats is a plus in that way, where everything is done by me. It all has to be cohesive. Doing all of it on top of being a student full time is insane. I’m graduating in three years, which is exciting, but I just get exhausted a lot. I definitely am not a stranger to burnout. It’s just a balancing act, that’s the only way to put it.
You have a very clear artistic vision. All of your stuff is very cohesive. How does it feel to kind of take the helm of your creative project? Do you do it alone? Are there people who give you insight, or is it mostly your brain?
Ellie Irwin: It’s definitely my brain. When I was planning the project that I’m in the release cycle of right now, I took a day — it definitely was more than a day — but there was one singular day that I was like, “Okay, I need to put all of this on paper.” I need it to be tangible; it needs to be something that I can actually visualize and hold. I went through the songs which I’ve written during my time at Berklee. There’s so many now, I counted them the other day. There are almost 200 songs that I’ve written since I’ve gotten here.
For the project that I’m working on right now, there were a few that stood out to me as all having the same central theme. I decided to put them all in an order and I just did a free write for half an hour of what I wanted the songs to be like and the journey to be like. After I was done with that, I went to the visual stuff and spent three days on Pinterest putting everything together of what I wanted the album to look like sonically — all of the colors and everything like that. It’s definitely a big chunk of my brain. After that I made vision boards for each individual song. It was like word vomit but in the sense of the project details.
I love that. I think a lot of the time, especially as an independent artist, you really have to start out with this strong vision or it's just not going to happen. Kudos to you, that's so exciting. It really comes through with everything that you're doing. You should definitely be proud of yourself.
Ellie Irwin: Thank you, that means a lot because sometimes, like I said, I feel like I’m always running. Especially being an independent artist, there’s this feeling of always feeling like you’re behind because you’re constantly working on top of being a student, which feels like a full time job. You’re working overtime at your other full time job to make it a full time job, if that makes sense.
I know on top of that layer, for the Berklee community specifically, everyone's releasing things, everyone has a show, so you have to find a way to kind differentiate yourself from that.
Ellie Irwin: Yeah, it’s exhausting.
How do you take care of yourself through all of that? What are your ways of coping with burnout?
Ellie Irwin: I’m still learning. I definitely had to learn the hard way a little bit with that, because most days I wake up and I’m like, “Okay, I need to get this done and this done” and kind of slam things together. That ends in burnout pretty quickly. Then I made this habit, I would be burnt out and take a break for three days and then feel better and just jump right back into it and then burn out again. But over the last couple months, these last two semesters, from September to now, I can only produce art in the way that I want to if I can also survive as a human being first. I’m still learning how to do that. That’s definitely a thought that goes through my head every day. I will not be able to write a song if I’m not sleeping, or if I don’t eat properly; I can’t. I can’t experience the things I want to, to then write about. It’s kind of constant learning all the time.
Yeah, it's a hard curve to learn. Balance is rough.
Ellie Irwin: It’s definitely weird here too, because balance is so not normal at Berklee. I actually just went home for Easter last weekend and that was the best recharge I’ve ever had in my Berklee career because I just went home. There was no other place that I wanted to be. I didn’t feel like I was behind. My body was probably like, “You’re not allowed to think about anything else, you’re just at home with your family.” That’s definitely something that’s super important to me. Being there and spending time with them I’ve come to appreciate my hometown a lot more. I got out of a little bit of a funk by going home – that’s definitely something.
I love that; home is always a nice way to recharge. Can you tell me a little bit about the inspiration behind “Pill That Won't Go Down”? I know you started it as a diary entry and it kind of changed it from there. How did it come to be?
Ellie Irwin: It was last February, so over a year ago which is bizarre to me, because it feels like yesterday. For a long time, something would happen and then I would write about it. Berklee kind of switched that around, where I was lucky that I kept things interesting enough that something was always happening and that I could write about it. Lucky might not be the word for that. It definitely was an advantage, I guess. Berklee switched it around where I was writing to sharpen the skill, rather than for what I’ve always done it for, with reflecting and processing. I was writing based on prompts for a while. I would get an assignment and then have to write a verse/chorus song.
But this night was one of the first times in a while that I did not have any plan for anything. I just sat down and was really upset and started typing stuff in my notes. I was coming to terms with a situation and saying things out loud that I was a little bit scared to say. I was writing them down to try to get rid of them and put them away. But then I picked up my guitar and started writing — the song was written in 30 minutes. I have the voice memo of it and most of it is the same two chords over and over again and me sniffling in the background. You can hear me writing things and then the next thing you know, I had the whole song.
The reason this song is so special to me is because the emotions are clearly so raw and nothing about it is calculated or strategic on purpose. It’s all very honest and real. The song was so scary to me when I wrote it — I didn’t show my roommate, who I showed everything to, for around two weeks. Looking back at it, it’s not that groundbreaking of emotions that I wouldn’t vocalize now, but at the time writing it, I couldn’t believe I had said that. It was just my first experience with being really honest in my writing.
The reason this song is so special to me is because the emotions are clearly so raw and nothing about it is calculated or strategic on purpose.
I remember when you sent me your last single I looked at more of your stuff on YouTube and I found this song and I was like, 'Oh my gosh.' It was your live session of it. When you messaged me this time, I was like, I wonder if she's gonna pitch me 'Pill That Won't Go Down.'
Ellie Irwin: Oh my gosh, that makes me so happy.
I was at a show you played with Jesse Starnes and Reese Nobile last year and I think I heard you play this then too. I remember everyone in the room being like, 'Whoa,' when you played this song too.
Ellie Irwin: That was the first time I think that I had played it — it would have been fresh. I feel like I remember maybe crying at that show, or someone was crying. It’s just weird, it feels like it was so long ago, but also it was really not that long ago at all.
Playing it live can really take you back to a point in time, especially when it's your song that you wrote inspired by your emotions. And especially since this song was so raw to you.
Ellie Irwin: Sharing it with people and realizing that other people are hearing it and applying themselves to the situation is all I could ever ask for. That makes me so happy. That’s why I make the art that I do and that’s the point: to write so that other people can relate. It’s almost like a translator; I can put the feeling to words so that other people don’t necessarily have to and can hear it and feel it.
It's hard to kind of really nail a universal lyric, because you can obviously say, 'Oh, I'm sad because you left,' or whatever — I think you do a good job of sprinkling in very specific things but also keep it vague enough for people to relate to their own experiences. It's really hard because if you're too specific, they're like, 'Oh, I don't relate to this,' and if you're too vague, it's just generic.
Ellie Irwin: Thank you!
That’s why I make the art that I do and that’s the point: To write so that other people can relate. It’s almost like a translator; I can put the feeling to words so that other people don’t necessarily have to and can hear it and feel it.
You said that the track was basically done after 30 minutes. Did playing it live change the way it ended up being produced in the end? I know in the press release, you talked about wanting it to be as raw and as authentic as possible just as the way it was written.
Ellie Irwin: In the press release, I wrote something about my drummer because I was fine tuning when he was walking into our rehearsal. We had a show that night, and he was like, “Ellie, we have to play this,” and I was like, “Okay fine, I guess, sure.” So when I played it with him in that band, there were definitely some added elements, but for the actual recorded version, it’s just me on guitar and there’s a lap steel on it. That’s it, it’s just me, guitar, pedal steel. Just a slow, sad thing.
How does this weave into the narrative of your upcoming product?
Ellie Irwin: Pill is sort of the turning point in the record. It’s sort of the skeleton of the record, which wouldn’t exist without it. I guess the record wouldn’t exist without any of the songs, but it’s really like the bones of it. Everything before it feels like it’s prepping for that moment and then everything after is happening because of that. The song itself and the lyrics and everything is coming to terms with the situation. Everything before that is almost like living in this delusion or hope almost. Then everything after it is the consequences of it. It’s like: uphill, “Pill That Won’t Go Down,” and then downhill.
I love that. We're at my last question now and it's a super simple one. I like to end my interviews on a happy note, so I want to ask: what is giving you joy right now?
Ellie Irwin: The sunlight in Boston for sure and the fact that graduation is so close.
— —
:: stream/purchase Pill That Won’t Go Down here ::
:: connect with Ellie Irwin here ::
Stream: “Pill That Won’t Go Down” – Ellie Irwin
— — — —
Connect to Ellie Irwin on
YouTube, TikTok, Instagram
Discover new music on Atwood Magazine
© @sikinunday
© :: Stream Ellie Irwin ::
