I was lost
I was trapped in a fantasy
Heaven help me
I’m tired and I want to leave
“I was lost, I was trapped in a fantasy; heaven help me, I’m tired and I want to leave.” These words are sung against an eerie, echoing backdrop. Strong, eloquent, and other-worldly, Rebekah Fitch’s “Not Myself” delicately details what it’s like when we “put on the mask for other people.”
“It’s almost like a window into my state of mind,” says Fitch. “It’s about when mental health becomes confusing and frightening, but it becomes a place where you start to get comfortable but you start to use it for your art.
“It’s a disorienting feeling,” continues Fitch. “Even though you know it’s bad, you don’t want to let go because it becomes a safe space in a weird way.”
I am not myself
Can’t understand what’s happening to me
“Not Myself” – Rebekah Fitch
Fitch explains that the concept behind her song comes from a personal struggle with her mental health. She wanted to describe the feelings that come along with the struggle that many people may not understand. Fitch explains that, though being in a bad place mentally isn’t healthy, it can sometimes consume a person, and this bad mental space can end up being the only place where a person feels safe and comfortable. It’s a battle between knowing what’s bad, but wanting to live in it anyway, this darkness being a means to fuel art. ‘Not Myself’ “is a fairytale-ish nightmare depiction of that feeling.”
I’m here in the valley of the shadow of death
But he won’t seem to talk to me
And it’s a brand new place that I’ve never been
So excuse me I’m not ready to leave
The song is big and bold, and makes listeners feel both strong and disoriented. With mental health being a struggle for many, especially in the millennial generation, this single can serve as a sort of release for listeners; a way to feel less alone in their struggle.
“This song definitely describes how I felt at the time I wrote it, but it’s always felt separate from when I performed,” says Fitch. “When people would analyze it and ask about it is when I would feel nervous about it, but I can separate it as a song and not as a place I’m in.”
The single incorporates flute, reverb, echo, and pitch bends to give the song its eerie feel. Fitch, having specialized in electrical music composition for her degree, tried to do as much of the production as she could. When she had done the most that she could do on her own, she took it to someone with more experience, and spent four days in the studio ensuring she got the single just right.
Rebekah Fitch does a beautiful job at eloquently describing what it’s like to struggle with mental health. By being vulnerable with her audience and creating an atmosphere of other-worldliness, Fitch perfectly captures the discomfort and loneliness that comes with being in a bad mental state. It’s a single full of raw and real passion, and will no doubt help to comfort and empower those who may be struggling with their own mental health.
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photo © Alice McCabe