In honor of Black History Month, Atwood Magazine has invited artists to participate in a series of essays reflecting on identity, music, culture, inclusion, and more.

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Today, NYC-based musical multi-hyphenate – MC, trumpeter, composer, and storyteller – Pan Amsterdam (aka Leron Thomas) shares his essay, ‘On Identity – A Look into Integration from One Artist’s Experience,’ as a part of Atwood Magazine’s Black History Month series!

Pan Amsterdam is the musical persona of Leron Thomas, a Houston-born, New York based musical nomad. Rapper, jazz trumpeter, producer, musical director, thinker, often all at once, Thomas’ music traverses a woozy, nocturnal world where his many musical disciplines morph and merge into a deeply odd yet consistently coherent sound.

He made his debut as Pan Amsterdam in 2018 before which he released eleven experimental and stylistically varied studio albums under his own name, the earliest being 2005’s Dirty Draws Vol.1, and the most recent being Dingo Babies, released last November. Throughout his career, he’s played alongside some of the most notorious names in the jazz world, including Roy Hargrove, Billy Harper, Charles T Olliver and Bobby Watson and outside of the genre, his résumé is equally impressive, encompassing in-studio and on-stage collaborations with the likes of Mos Def, Bilal, Guts and Lauryn Hill.

Having studied Jazz and Contemporary Music at the New School in New York City and subsequently collaborated with artists like Iggy Pop and Metronomy, he blends experimental hip hop, jazz, funk, and electronic influences, resulting in shapeshifting, genre-defying tracks. His forthcoming album ‘Confines’ exemplifies his improvisational style, mixing calculated ideas with spontaneous creativity. He describes his approach as organic, reflecting life’s unpredictable nature, and likens his sound to a fusion of George Clinton and Bootsy Collins.

‘Confines’ explores diverse themes, from racial politics and identity to pop culture references. With a stream-of-consciousness style, Pan Amsterdam raps about everything from cultural observations to food. This mix of humour, social commentary, and introspection is an exploration of the world through a childlike, almost alien perspective and his background in gospel, jazz, hip hop, and even the Grateful Dead shapes this eclectic sound.

The album title reflects Pan Amsterdam’s refusal to be confined by genre. The music channels influences from hip hop’s golden age, alongside nods to artists like Kool Keith, Busta Rhymes, and MF Doom. ‘Confines’ also marks a personal turning point for Thomas, dedicated to his late father and embracing his rebirth as Pan Amsterdam after years of frustration in the jazz scene.

Pan Amsterdam’s journey was catalysed by his disillusionment with jazz’s gatekeepers and his subsequent embrace of hip hop, leading to early releases that caught the attention of icon Iggy Pop. Their collaboration on ‘Confines’ further solidified Pan Amsterdam’s place in the musical world. With his new album out on Heavenly Recordings, Thomas reflects on how music connects kindred spirits, allowing him to break free from his past and continue his creative evolution.

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ON IDENTITY

A Look into Integration from One Artist’s Experience

by Pan Amsterdam

I failed first grade.

In hindsight, this put a tremendous amount of pressure on my family and me. I even remember many of the teachers’ names my first time in first grade, more than I remember the teachers’ names during my second go at first grade. I remember their hairdos, scents, their laughs, and their backhanded sarcasm. One vivid memory was when one teacher in particular held an event she called “nationality” day. She was trying to teach us the definition of nationality and had us share what our nationality was. I think she meant “race” or “ethnicity,” not nationality. We’re all citizens of these United States.

Nonetheless we all sat “Indian Style” in a circle and gave our race and ethnic backgrounds. All I heard was “I have Scotch-Irish blood” or “German blood” or “French,” etc. There were a couple of Hindus and Pakistanis as well. So when it came to my turn, I said that I had “Scotch-Irish” and “German” in me. The teacher had a frozen plastic teethy smile for a long enough time to make me and the whole class uncomfortable, then her eyes only, proceeded to the girl next to me and you just heard her say through her teeth, “Kimberly?”

My Dad and Mom moved to the ‘nicer’ suburbs of North West Houston. It was my first time in a predominately white setting/school and there were a lot of things that I needed to grow accustomed to. The cultural upkeep was a hilarious thing to try and juggle. I had to know the latest inner city urban slang, dress, and dances to keep my white, yellow, and brown friends entertained. And if that wasn’t always necessarily the case, I still felt that I had to. All while trying to maintain decent grades to keep Dad’s belt off my butt and not fail another grade. I just remember those white teachers during parent student teacher conference saying, “Leron is trying really really hard ” which is a backhanded “He’s just a Black boy, he can’t help it.” Then, seeing my Dad get that Lou Gossett Jr, “Roots” civil rights, quiet anger Charles S. Dutton look, come on his face, and knowing I was gonna get a serious WOOPIN that night. During weekends and summers where I’d hang in the inner city visiting various family members or friends of the family, it became very obvious that I was being brought up different with statements like, “You talk too proper,” “You think you better than us,” “Don’t be so proud” getting thrown around.

It quickly became a shameful thing to be raised in the suburbs. I was definitely bullied, but wouldn’t really admit it to myself. Then I grew and got big and strong and with that came rage. That energy needed to be directed somewhere and put to good use. This became physical contact sports and the arts. The arts lasted longer. I had the privilege of learning Jazz. I say privilege because my cousins would have instruments loaned to them during the school year then confiscated at the end of the year where they would then lose interest in the instrument over the Summer break.

Yes, I saw how instruments were taken out of Black schools. One would think after what Black culture and music gave to humanity, that there would at the very least be an initiative to keep instruments in Black schools. Nevertheless, I didn’t have that problem being in the suburbs. My battle would be racist music teachers trying to give me division 3 solos (a lower ranked solo) rather than a division 1 due to my love for Jazz and my culture. Due to failing first grade and also me not going to a Black school, my parents made sure I learned not only Black history, but also the struggles of my own family and the blessing it was to get where we currently were. Integration nowadays is looked by some as a curse more than a blessing. For me it was a bit of both.

Especially in pubescent years. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 and in NYC. When trying to court the white girls in my neighborhood I was horrible at it. This truly was a funny sight to say the least. They want you to be assertive without telling you. Take the lead. Be a man, not a boy. I think they thought I’d be pretty vanilla in bed. They didn’t understand that you weren’t trying to get any felonies/charges and wanted to make sure they were super down. I mean, most porn I saw growing up was white girls doing the absolute most. Still, also there’s those Emmet Till type of things rolling around in your head not to mention the shame for being attracted to white women, so it’s tricky. You don’t wanna get slapped with any cases or lynchings. This makes you highly apprehensive and when finally comfortable you might be a bit too much for them. I ran into this same problem in my adult years with French and European women in general. A good number of them thought I was “soft.” They analyze the decisions you make even when it comes to your decisions amongst your family and come up with a very strong and wrong assessment. I can laugh at it now because I’ve isolated it and know it for what it is, but back then it was beyond frustrating.

I often wonder in the history of humans that if we were all the same color, would we find another problem with each other and be arguing and dicing each other up over different teeth sizes and spacing.

Like “Never trust the Gap people.” The very word racism is a strange specification for something that is simply childish behavior to me. It doesn’t deserve to be special and have its own word, “racism.” It should just be called childish behavior. No need to isolate and specify. It feels perverted to give different actions in childish behavior their own special word. Almost like the behavior graduated to another type of regal derogative infamy that gaslights its initial childishness and immaturity.

It’s too uneducated to deserve a separate word and begets other perverted forms of terminology and phrases from itself. A couple I detest, called “Race card” or “Angry Black Man.” The rhetoric in the English language generally lends itself to seemingly want an excuse to dismiss things. A quote from “Coming To America” comes to mind. “Shit this ain’t nothin but ultra perm.” The English language’s many descriptive words and phrases feel like they need to over explain and validate their existence. Like a little creep trying to fit in on the big stage. Very Machiavellian.

But it’s the only language I know how to speak and I’m kinda lazy when it comes to others, so I tend to make fun of it all. I feel the same way about genres. This dicing everything up may or may not be necessary but it’s definitely overdone. And being from the background.

My latest project and titled track, “Confines” might be a peek through the window of my disposition. I never know for certain.

But it’s definitely fun over explaining in English, so long as it doesn’t become a requirement to do so. – Pan Amsterdam

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