Every day, new trends are born thanks to the internet. Let’s talk about the most dangerous of all: The cottagecore aesthetic.
Nowadays, everyone follows their own aesthetic. There are those who prefer vaporwave, those who make Art Deco their creed, and those who go for classic Goth. We are here to warn you about cottagecore, a trend that is shaping the minds of countless young people and driving them to seek out abandoned villas in the English countryside. We won’t explicitly tell you who’s behind this trap, but you can certainly guess. Cottagecore has been particularly prevalent over the past couple of years, and who is it that hasn’t released an album since 2019?
That’s right, Hozier.
Below you can find ten unmistakable signs that you’re about to fall into this cult – be sure to pay attention and throw away your flower crowns, we know you bought at least one when Born To Die by Lana Del Rey came out!
10 Signs You’re Falling into the Cottagecore Trap
YOUR FAVOURITE LOCKDOWN ACTIVITY WAS BAKING BREAD
Let’s start with a classic. One of the most popular activities during the lockdown was making completely homemade dishes: pasta, bread, pizza – pretty much what Italians usually do but on a global level. Making bread was a particular favourite, as Lorde told us last year. Sure, we can understand the appeal of being in a Covid-free zone making bread with your girlfriend, but beware: Hozier’s army is waiting for you to join it.
LISTEN TO GIRL IN RED AND SUFJAN STEVENS – AND NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE QUEER
Yes, we know that despite everything you want to be in the countryside somewhere in Northern Italy. And no, you’re not ready for all the mosquitoes, fog and nutrias.
YOU KNOW MXMTOON FOR THE STRAWBERRY DRESS
Among the many trends that started with the pandemic, perhaps the one we all remember most is the strawberry dress by Lirika Matoshi. Among the stars who have sported it is Maia, aka Mxmtoon. It doesn’t matter if you know her for her hit “Prom Dress”, her Twitch channel or her Youtube videos: if you only remember her for that damned cottagecore dress, you can start worrying about your lifestyle. We already know you’re on Wish or Aliexpress looking for cheap copies: but if you really have to fall into the cottagecore trap, at least do it with style, right?
YOU HAVE EMBROIDERED TAYLOR SWIFT'S CARDIGAN
Honestly, I envy Taylor Swift; she’s been more productive in two years than I have been in 20 years. Three albums, the project of re-recording all her first albums, giving the queer community another reason to move on but most importantly: the cardigan. No, of course, we are not referring to the song, but to the cream cable knit cardigan that was later put on sale among the merch.
Have we really reached the point where fans have started crocheting in the hope of wearing a cardigan in some far-flung corner of the English countryside?
YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIRSTYLE DESPERATELY HOPING TO LOOK LIKE FLORENCE WELCH
Another activity that almost everyone probably did during the pandemic: dyeing your hair – or cutting your fringe. Some have done both, in the hope of joining the Florence Welch cult. Not gonna lie, who wouldn’t want to look like her? On this point, we can’t really tell you anything, except for one thing: be careful about doing the “Cosmic Love” dance again, you might get a hangover from all the twirling.
YOUR FAVOURITE KIND OF SONG IS THE ONE WHERE YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND, WHO IS IN LOVE WITH A GUY WHO ALMOST CERTAINLY DOESN'T DESERVE HER
Oddly specific but… Think about “Susie Save Your Love” by Allie X, “Eugene” by Arlo Parks, “No Body No Crime” by Taylor Swift. Did we lie? Of course not. The struggle is real.
IT'S BEEN YEARS BUT YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE LIVING YOUR MELODRAMA ERA
With the pandemic we often think about our past, which is also normal. But that’s no excuse to listen to Melodrama again after four years, in the hope of magically finding yourself in the New Zealand wilderness making bread.
You don’t need cottagecore fantasies, you need therapy.
YOU WANT TO BE ADAM IN LIL NAS X's 'MONTERO' VIDEO
Lil Nas X’s latest single has shocked millions all over the world, no doubt about it. However, our attention is drawn to those who only wanted to stop at the first part of the video. Do you really prefer a pseudo-Adam playing guitar in a flowery meadow to a demon doing a lap dance in front of Satan? Your priorities say it all.
LISTEN TO A BAND WITH 'AND' IN THEIR NAME
I popped over to Spotify to see what artists deemed cottagecore Gen Z listen to, and… I don’t know how to explain it, but literally half of them actually have “and” in their name: unfortunate coincidence or a sinister conspiracy? Of Monsters and Men, Florence and The Machine, Mumford and Sons, The Head and the Heart, Iron & Wine, The Bird and the Bee, The Lighthouse and The Whaler, Marina
and the Diamonds (oops, nevermind) – pretty much all names that sound like something out of a George R. R. Martin novel. Yes, we know there’s also Earth, Wind & Fire, so don’t try and change the subject.
FRIENDSHIP ENDED WITH ELECTRA HEART, NOW LOVE + FEAR IS YOUR BEST FRIEND
Marina was a bit of a Tumblr idol in 2013, thanks to the huge success of the album Electra Heart – and later thanks to Froot. With Love + Fear, she definitely softened up, showing her weaker sides. Mind one thing, though; if you dream of becoming a prima donna one day and think about how beautiful orange trees are the next, lockdown is definitely making you lose your mind.
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