San Francisco, CA: Reportedly regretful that he hadn’t kept up with guitar since 8th grade, local CFO Greg Houl, 31, confessed to you that he envies your artistic talent.
“I just wish I had stuck with it, you know? Some days I’d give everything to just drop everything and tour the country in a van with my bros.”
You had run into Mr. Houl, a former highschool classmate whose name you hadn’t thought of in years and you remembered mostly as “that guy that got into a MLM knife selling scheme in sophomore year”, during a night out with friends, where he reportedly pulled you aside with a bewildered gleam in his eyes.
“Jack, man, I haven’t seen you in ages!” Greg purportedly said as you tried timidly to edge your way back to the safety of your circle of friends. But, according to our sources, it was already too late, as Mr. Houl had already cornered you and begun to regale you about the myriad benefits of CBD oil and microdosing LSD.
Sources close to the event confirmed that Mr. Houl then attempted to convince you to invest in his startup, which he described as “basically like a Keurig for craft beer, man,” only to be met with your vacant stare and increasingly frantic inner monologue. According to investigators, at approximately 11:20PM Mr. Houl then vaulted into a recollection of his halcyon days as an amateur rocker.
“Yeah, I like all the classics. You ever hear ‘Smooth’ by Santana? I used to play that all the time. On my iPod mini. I couldn’t play it on guitar,” Mr. Houl confessed as your claustrophobia skyrocketed and you searched the crowd to make eye contact with one of your friends, whose continued inaction in the face of your clear jeopardy has rocked the foundation of trust and benevolence on which your relationships were built.
“Would you maybe wanna teach me man? I know you have like, that one band that played Carly Liebendorfer’s wedding a few years back.”
At press time, Mr. Houl had reportedly tipped $5 on a $150 bill.
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